Moving on with the paragraph, the next two sentences got combined into one.
Gnarled branches looked like broken fingers reaching for the sky. The sight gave Aimee the uneasy feeling that the trees were writhing in pain.
First, I got rid of “looked like” because it’s weak, I removed “reaching for the sky” because I didn’t think it was necessary. The second sentence seemed a bit too much like telling. The description should stand by itself to give the impression that the POV character feels uneasy.
Gnarled branches stuck out like broken fingers, writhing in pain.
I’m not sure about that comma, I think it might read better without the pause.
Onward to another sentence.
She put a hand to the rough bark, it felt jagged and her hand came away sticky, sap bleeding through rents in the trunk.
This sentence sounds sort of choppy and awkward. Also, rough and jagged are repetitive adjectives. I just shortened it a bit and removed a comma. I wonder if I should take out that “and” as well.
She put a hand to a trunk, and it came away sticky from sap bleeding through rents in the jagged bark.
Moving on, the next sentence also has a couple of problems.
They smelled wrong as well, a moldy, unhealthy smell that made her want to take small breaths.
The opening of the sentence stinks, “They smell wrong as well” is awkward and redundant with rest of the sentence. Instead, I put in an action that expresses the idea “Her nostrils twitched . . .”. The word “unhealthy” is mostly redundant with moldy so that adjective can go. Finally, making her want to hold her breath I think connects better than wanting to take small breaths. With those changes the sentence changes to:
Her nostrils twitched from a moldy scent that made her want to hold her breath.
The final sentence I replaced with a thought. Here, the sentence didn’t say a lot.
She pitied the trees.
Whatever. I think the thought is better since it gives a better idea where the POV character is mentally.
Is this how the trees are in the Wild?
I think the “the” might be unnecessary.
Anyhow, that’s how I managed to cut away 25 words out of 113. In the process, I think it made things read a bit better.
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